Of Sandwiches and Sexuality

I think Brad and Chester are gay.

Together.

Like, as in, with each other... I have suspected it for a while, now - but haven't ever had anything to cement my misgivings. Okay, so I don't have any real proof, but it's true, I promise. I'm not making it up.

There has always been something different about those two. I mean, not anything overtly suspicious, but definitely something. I've known Brad since I was nine, okay? I know the guy really well. He and Chester were uncannily close from the start. Sure, I became close friends with Chester too, but we write lyrics together. What reason was there for Chester to go over to Brad's house at midnight -- to write lyrics? Pfft, whatever. They were close because they were physically attracted to each other, obviously. I should have seen it back then, but I just thought they had a lot in common. Turns out they have a sexual preference in common, too.

It's almost a novelty, having two gay best friends -- except neither of them would admit it, ever. I kind of wish Chester would come out and be the camp, gay Queen that he really is. It would be like Will and Grace, and I would be Grace. No, wait, or would I be Karen? So Chester could be Jack, Brad can be Will, and I can be Grace and Karen morphed into the same character. Except Chester is nothing like Jack... and Brad is nothing like Will... and I am not female. Yeah, okay, bad analogy.

Let me tell you about the time I saw them grocery shopping together. I needed to go and pick up a few things, some chocolate, some ice-cream and some teabags. I was hurrying down one aisle, hoping to be quick because I *really* needed to go to the bathroom. I was busting to take a leak, but I was determined to get my shopping done first.

Anyway, I was squirming my way along the front of the aisles when I saw the two of them. I wouldn't have noticed them, had Brad not been wearing his bright orange sweater. It's a one of a kind, really. I'm sure the colour was invented SOLELY for Brad and his sweater. It's disgustingly bright and chunderous. Anyway, I saw them both standing there and froze. There was something about the way they were standing, the way they were looking at ketchup together. I quickly ducked into the aisle next to them, peering carefully through the shelves of potato chips to watch them both. Chester was squinting to read the back of a ketchup bottle, reading out the ingredients to Brad. I don't know why I didn't go and say hello. Maybe because of the way they were standing so close, the way they moved around each other. Brad was picking up other bottles, and observing them with casual interest.

Then -- this gets interesting -- Brad walked over to where Chester was standing and like, stood next to him! Obviously it wasn't just like, "oh, I'm going to go and stand next to my friend" type standing, it was a "come here and fuck me," type of stance. THEN, he shifted himself, and he stood behind Chester, and sort of rubbed his hips against Chester's back. I had to shield my eyes from such raunchy behaviour! I could see the way Chester was leaning back into Brad, and it made me think of his wonderfully defined hip bones, for some reason.

So the two of them went to grab the trolley, but neither realised that they had both gone to push it -- and somehow Chester ended up with Brad's arms around his waist, wedged in between Brad and the trolley. Come on, guys, you don't need to show the world how tender and loving you are together. Please, I've just eaten, okay?

"Fuck off, you big loser," said Chester with a grin.

"Right, then, you big manly hunk of man meat, you push that trolley," Brad had replied. Chester flickered his tongue out at Brad, and winked, and then they moved into the next aisle. Brad smiled shyly, bless his little cotton socks.

I couldn't believe my friends. Seducing each other in a *supermarket* of all places. I felt violated. It took a great deal of restraint for me not to follow them around and bust them in their jocks, but I did really need to go to the bathroom. My bladder was starting to convulse.

You know... I bet they're the kinky types, too. I know Chester is one of those kink bitches, and Brad would HAPPILY be compliant. Chester would be tied up and gagged, and Brad would be in charge, but both of them would like having their dicks sucked, all whilst listening to Muse, really loudly. Chester would be all vulnerable and gorgeous, and I would be on top, grinding into him, slowly... I mean, Brad -- BRAD would be on top, grinding into him. Not me. I'm not gay. My mind must have wandered.

Okay, so after the little caper at the supermarket, I was on super-alert mode, because I had to suss this situation out. It was one thing to go grocery shopping together, and to be all touchy feely, but about two months ago, they started spending ALL their free time together. I called Chester up one day and asked him what he was doing...

"Oh, hey, dude. I'm just hanging out with Brad," he said. Why was he hanging out with Brad? Why wasn't he hanging out with me? Ah, of course. He was gay, and attracted to Brad.

"Oh, okay. Well I guess you and Brad are too... uh, busy," I smirked to myself, and I knew Chester could read my implications. "I was going to see if you wanted to come around and hang out, watch a few DVD's, play some X-box and stuff."

"No, sure, I'll come around," he said somewhat eagerly. Wow, he and Brad must have been seeing a lot of each other. They already needed some time apart. "Can Brad come?" -- Maybe not so sick of each other, then.

For some reason this annoyed me. What about me? I couldn't really say no, though. I might have looked like I was jealous, which I certainly wasn't. "Sure," I choked. "Just... the two of you behave yourselves," I said cryptically.

"Huh?" Chester sounded puzzled.

"Nothing... I'll see you soon, then? Okay, bye," I said, hanging up before he could ask me about my cryptic comment.

I half expected them to turn up at my house holding hands and wearing matching t-shirts, but they didn't. To any unsuspecting person, they would both seem totally heterosexual, but I knew better. I could see the subtext rapidly becoming text. I think I was the only one who saw them for the great, prancing poonces they really were.

There was quite an interesting little spectacle going on, once we were all in the TV room. I was sitting on the three-seater couch, as I always do - because it has the best view of the television - and the other two were sitting on the smaller two-seater adjacent to the big couch. Brad kept pushing Chester off the two-seater and shoving him over towards my couch. Chester would straighten up and go to sit down next to me, so I would move my feet. Then he'd apparently think better of it and make a spectacular break for freedom, and sit back down next to Brad. Jeez, there was plenty of room for the two of them on the couch, it was hardly small. Brad is such a couch hog.

"Chester!" Brad said warningly. I didn't see what Brad's problem was. I thought he'd want to sit next to his boyfriend.

Personally, I was getting sick of moving my feet, thinking he was going to sit next to me, only to find that he was only doing some sort of weird couch-Cossack dance.

"Sit down!" I said, finally. Honestly, I was trying to watch Spartacus. Tony Curtis was such a screen legend. I moved my feet, hopefully for the last time, and pointed to the couch. I saw Brad grin, and Chester sat down hesitantly, right on the edge of the couch. "I'm not contaminated, Chester. You can come closer," I said, not without some exasperation. You'd think that with being gay and all, he'd be all over me. For some reason, his whole 'distance' thing was somewhat disappointing. He must be truly dedicated to Brad. Not that it matters, or anything.

So we settled in to watch Tony be Spartacus, and then this gender-confused saxophone player in Some Like It Hot. I really admire Tony Curtis. There was all that talk about him being a gay icon, but I know he was just a misunderstood artist, trying to be heard in a world full of fascism. I kept noticing Chester, who was fidgeting - and always when Tony was looking particularly attractive and captivating. It was annoying. Chester! You're making me lose Tony time!

"Do you want to rest your head in my lap," I asked, as he tried to prop himself up on his arm. He looked over at me suspiciously, his face going a little pale.

"Why would I want to do that?" he sounded defensive.

"Because you look uncomfortable," I pointed out. "You always like to lie down when you watch movies. You always use my lap as a pillow."

"Oh," he said with a little grin. "Thanks," he added as an afterthought.

He must have been trying to avoid upsetting Brad's feelings, or something, because he shot him a glance that said 'it's okay, I'm not cheating on you, I swear,' before moving awkwardly to rest his head on my leg. Brad just grinned back at him.

Chester smells so good. I can just imagine what it's like for Brad, when he gets all sweaty while they fuck. He's all masculine and musky and tangy. I remember, I used to stand really close to him after we'd done a show, because he smelt so good. It was just so manly, with the faint smell of cologne, deodorant and that sweaty, I've-just-been-fucked smell.

Not that I care, or anything, but it was nice. In that 'hey, you smell nice', very straight way.

Later that night, the two of them left, and I saw Brad nudge Chester. It was so blatantly obvious that they were going to go back to Brad's place and get down with their bad selves. It must be nice to have someone to go home with. Chester put his hand over his mouth and giggled, as they walked towards Brad's car. I kid you not, he actually giggled. They are so in love.

Anyway, since then, COUNTLESS things have happened that have done nothing but PROVE that my suspicions are valid. Nowadays, they're always giggling together, always touching, always being gay and stuff. I'm not the only one who has noticed either. Joe has mentioned something, and I'm sure the other guys know more than they let on. So today, we are all just hanging out at my place, and it's just on lunch time.

I wandered into the kitchen, where Joe and Phoenix had prepared a plate of sandwiches. Chester was upstairs, probably having sex with Brad. That thought horrifies me... Anyway, it was as though Joe was reading my mind.

"Is it just me, or is there something up with Chester and Brad?" Joe set the plate of sandwiches down in the middle of the table. I grabbed a few and put them on a smaller plate in front of me. "Has anyone else noticed? Or are they acting weird?"

I took a bite of the ham sandwich I was holding. "Yeah, I've noticed," I said once I had swallowed my mouthful.

"I don't know what's going on with those two. Seriously," said Joe in hushed tones. "There is something different about them, especially Chester," Joe said, stopping abruptly for some reason.

"Well, there's always the chance that he could be a great, raving homosexual--" behind me I heard the floorboard creak, and I suddenly knew why Joe had stopped so suddenly, and why he was glaring at me. I turned around slowly to face Chester, whose expression was unreadable. "Oh, um... sandwich?" I offered lamely, holding up the plate to him.

Chester looked from the plate, to me, and back to the plate again. "I have been called many things in my lifetime, Shinoda..." he quirked an eyebrow at me, and paused "...But never a great, raving, homosexual sandwich."

You know those awkward silences that you hear about all the time? Yeah, we had one of those.

"Kidding?" I tried, smiling weakly.

Joe, however, cut straight to the point. "Chester, are you gay?"

Chester thought about this for a moment. "Well... I think women are hot," he said evasively.

"So you're straight?"

"I'm... flexible," he said slowly, grinning at me. I KNEW IT.

"You're flexible with Brad, aren't you?" I asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"No comment."

"You SO are!" I screeched.

Chester's face remained unreadable. "No comment."

"Shut up! I can't believe it!"

"No comment!" Chester broke into a smile.

"You're so gay," I said, referring to the lame way he was being evasive - not his sexual preference.

Again, he raised his left eyebrow. I hate that I love the way he does that. Brad is so lucky. I mean, lucky that he doesn't have to put up with being patronised... yeah. *cough*

"Even if I was gay, would there be a problem?" Chester had that look on his face. He was appraising me, the bastard.

"If you're asking if I'm homophobic, then the answer is no. I have no problem with you and Brad," I said with a straight face. "I just wish you'd told me earlier."

"There's nothing between me and Brad!" said Chester, exasperatedly. "Nothing serious, anyway."

"AHA! I KNEW IT."

"You've been hypothesizing about Brad and me?" Chester had the hide to look amused.

I was appalled. "No! Do you think I have nothing better to do? Do you think I follow you guys around the supermarket or something?"

Oops.

"What?" Chester looked at me with a confused expression on his face. His top lip had curled up slightly, and he looked just so gosh-darn cute.

"Nothing," I said, feigning confusion. "I'm just saying, I don't follow you guys around or anything."

Nice save, Shinoda.

"I don't remember saying you did."

I can't remember anything he said. Oh, his confused face is so endearing. No wonder Brad turned gay for him. *I'd* turn gay for him. I mean... if I were the gay type. But I'm not.

"Look, whatever, I don't care that you two are gay," I said, smiling as if to prove my point. "In fact, I'm happy for you, you big gay loser,"

"Brad isn't gay," said Chester eventually.

I smiled knowingly. "Ah, yes. And you're not either? It's just a one-off thing? You're not actually attracted to men, but it's just that Brad is the exception?"

Chester turned bright red, which I found odd. I said I didn't care, didn't I? "No, Brad isn't gay," Chester repeated. You know, I'd almost think he was trying to tell me something else, the way he was looking at me pointedly. Oh well, if he wants to tell me something, I'm sure he'll come out with it sometime.

"Yes, you just said that," I pointed out. "And I already told you, I don't care about the whole 'label' thing."

Chester just groaned, and covered his face with his hands. He muttered something that I couldn't quite make out. I heard him say 'dense' and 'fool' and 'you', but probably not in that order. I was a little confused, but shrugged it off.

Speak of the devil, Brad appeared at the kitchen door a few moments later. He and Chester exchanged a private glance and for some reason, I wanted to go and stand in between them. Great time to get all possessive about them, Shinoda. They had been my bitches for so long, and now they'd paired up. It was so infuriatingly unfair. Chester was mine, not Brad's! In a totally straight way, mind you.

"Hey, Mike, how're you feeling?" said Brad, picking up a sandwich. What sort of a question was that? Was he implying that I was gay, or something?

"Heterosexual, thank you," I said quickly.

From somewhere to my right, Joe sniggered. My head snapped around to look at him.

"What's so funny?"

Joe held up his hands in innocence. "Hey, man, don't look at me. I'm just laughing at you and your paranoia."

"I'm not paranoid!" I protested. That was hardly fair.

Then, I swear - they exchanged a big, group glance. I suddenly felt totally out of the loop. Joe looked at Chester, who looked at Brad, who looked at Phoenix, who looked at Chester, who was now looking at all of them blandly. If Rob were here, he would be part of this mental hot-potato too, I know it.

"Obviously, I'm being left out of something," I huffed.

"What are you talking about?" Joe asked, looking innocent.

"Don't act stupid," I said furiously. "Don't think I don't know when I'm being left out of something, being left out of the big, gay huddle."

"Mike--" Chester started.

"Oh, shut up, Chester," I said without thinking, and stormed off. My storming off effect was kind of ruined when I tripped over the rug. I didn't stop, though.

I went outside and sat down on the grass. It had been five minutes, and still no one had come out after me. Now I know I'm being left out. I was about to go back inside and yell at them all a bit more when Brad sat down beside me. In my fury, I hadn't even heard him approaching. He's like a cat, all silent and graceful. And gay, too.

"You're being a bit harsh on Chester," said Brad. Oh look, how sweet. Brad is being protective of his boyfriend -- that is so cute. NOT.

Okay, perhaps I was, with all the gay accusations and all... but it was starting to warp my head. And it didn't help that Brad and Chester were ready to run off into the sunset and get married. I mean, look at them. It's so blatantly obvious! They're all in love, and stuff, and I'll be left behind. I looked at Brad, who was smirking at me. He just wants Chester for himself, I can see it! No siree, not on my time, buddy.

Phoenix and Joe headed out too, and they sat down on either side of me and Brad. What was this? Let's all gang up on Mike day?

"I was just saying that Mike was being a bit harsh to Chester," Brad said to the others.

Phoenix nodded. "Yeah, dude. He's pretty cut up about it."

"About what?!" This was an absolute travesty. I was totally understanding and reasonable about it! "He was the one that went all cryptic man on me."

"What?"

"Just, shut up, Bradford," I said, sighing dramatically. If he didn't understand, I wasn't going to explain it to him.

"I think you should apologise," he said. I looked from Brad to Phoenix, who nodded.

"For what?! Telling him I didn't mind if he was gay? Saying that I ACCEPTED it?! Oh, I'm sorry, Chester, sorry I ever said it was okay, sorry I was willing to accept it, sorry about your stupid gayness."

"No, for being so accusing and... harsh," said Joe, looking sidelong at Brad shiftily.

I stared at them, dumbfounded. At what point had I been harsh? What did I say that had upset Chester?

"Look, Mike, you hurt his feelings," said Phoenix, very firmly. "If I were Chester, I'd never be your friend again."

"You accused him of being gay--" said Brad.

"Which, he didn't bother denying," I pointed out defensively.

Joe shook his head. "That isn't the point. You were mean to him. Apologise. Or does he mean nothing to you?"

"I was merely pointing out the facts," I said, refusing to be bullied into anything.

"Don't smirk at me, Shinoda," said Brad warningly. I wasn't smirking you stupid, gay lout, I was smiling. Can I help it if my lip curls to the left a little bit? I think it's cute.

The looming horror of having to face Chester is growing, like a looming, horrible thing. I don't really know why it's become so daunting, but it has.

"Apologise," said Brad quickly. "Or we'll tell him you love him."

"What?!" I yelped. Oh please, this is just getting to be ridiculous. "FINE," I yelled. With that, I got up and headed back inside, and the others followed me.

"Chester?" I called out, wondering where he was. He was, as it were, sitting at the kitchen table. Well... sitting was a bit of a misnomer, because he was actually sorta slumped over there with his face like, planted onto the table. In exasperation, I'd say.

"These guys reckon I've been harsh and mean to you," I said, feeling sorrier for him by the minute. "And want me to apologise."

"No, it's okay--" he said, protesting weakly.

"Hush, Chester," said Brad, cutting him off.

"So, I'm sorry if I offended you," I said. "I wasn't trying to, or anything. I just don't like being left out of the loop."

"It's fine--"

"Chester, shut up," said Phoenix. "No, Mike, it isn't okay. Can't you see that you've broken this man? I think you should do a bit of grovelling, before you can truly consider yourself forgiven."

This is so humiliating. What do they want me to do?

"No, really, Mike, it's okay," says Chester, smiling at me a little. Oh, that's right, revel in my humiliation, you sadist.

"Fine," said Brad finally. "Chester seems to have forgiven you. You're just lucky, I guess." The four of them shared another little private glance-session.

Something was bothering me, though. There was an uncomfortable silence, and I saw Chester shift in his chair. Uncomfortably. Brad sat down next to him, and put his hand on Chester's arm. I had this bizarre urge to run over and fling Brad's hand away, screaming "GET YO' HANDS OFF MY WOMAN" except Chester is not my woman, nor is he a woman of any description, or possession... he is, in fact, a man.

Okay, it is one thing to have my two best friends run off together and become gay, but it is quite another to suddenly be excluded from everything. Chester is MY partner in crime, my other half... to the lyric writing, MY bitch, and my big, gay sandwich. I'm sorry, Brad, but you can't have him! It has always been me and Chester. Well... since he arrived, anyway. I was the one with the voice that harmonized best with his, I was the one who was on the same wavelength, it was ME. Not Brad. Brad is just the guitarist!

The other guys wandered off, their interest having waned. Chester got up and left, too, and it was just me and Brad left in the kitchen.

"You're so stupid," he said once everyone was out of earshot.

"What?" I have absolutely no idea what he is talking about.

"You. You're an idiot. I saw you spying on us that day we were at the supermarket. I notice you always watching him... you've been obsessed with him for years--"

"Jealous, are you?" I say, just to annoy him.

"SO not the point," he says, smacking his head with his hand. "I'm not jealous," he says.

I smile smugly. "So you say, but is that how you really feel?" Poor guy is in denial. Doesn't he know that when you are with another man, it means you're gay?

I still feel a little possessive about Chester, though. He has always been my bitch.

"Just... go talk to him, okay?" Brad says, getting up and leaving the kitchen. I sigh loudly to myself, which is unsatisfying because nobody is around to hear it.

So I go off to find Chester. It doesn't take long to find him. For some reason, I knew he'd be out sulking near the rose garden. Well, he isn't sulking. He's just kind of sitting there staring off into space. He sees me approaching though, and smiles a little.

"You know, Chester," I say as I sit down on the bench. "I don't mind about you and Brad." It's only a little lie. I throw one leg over the bench so that I'm facing him.

"About me and Brad--"

"You know what? Fuck that. I do mind," I say before I can stop myself. I clap a hand over my mouth, in a horrified sort of fashion. I can't believe I just said that. Oh no! There is more coming and I can feel it pushing itself out of my mouth. "You're my bitch, and now you and Brad are all gay and together and stuff, and I'm the third wheel. I don't care how much you and Brad are in love, he can't have you! You're my great, raving, homosexual sandwich, and I love you, okay? So shut up, and stop looking at me like that, you gigantic, gay freak."

What? Yuck, I did not just say that. He's looking at me weirdly, now. I can't cope with this silence. I can't.

"Say something, you poonce."

Chester is looking at his hands, and smiling to himself. "It isn't Brad," he says gently. "Not really. I mean, yeah, you were right, we had a little thing happening a while back because he had a crush on me - but I was always hoping that it would just make you jealous," he said.

What, what, what? Backpedal faster, idiot.

"So I was right about you and Brad!" I crowed.

"That isn't the point," he said irritably.

"But you and Brad are all... together and stuff," I said, feeling a distinct confusion settle on my face.

"You're so stupid," he says softly. Without ANY warning at all he then leans closer and kisses me. I'm not gay! I'm not gay! I'm so gay it isn't funny! my brain screams, and in that order. I can smell him, really strongly. It's a lot stronger from where I'm sitting, and it's so much more intimate. I can feel his tongue move gently against my lips, and I part my mouth gently so that he has better access. I can't think at all, anymore. I melt into this bizarrely wonderful experience.

I can feel Chester's hands on my face, and his lips on mine. He pulls away after a little while, and I finally open my eyes.

There is a noise from behind one of the rose bushes, and I pick up a rock from near my foot, throwing it at the sniggering bushes, which yelp in pain. Brad stands first, rubbing his head. He exchanges another meaningful glance with Chester, but for some reason, I don't mind anymore. In fact, I feel sort of sorry for him. I pity you, Brad. He'll never love you like he loves me.

"They've been trying to get us together," Chester says, gesturing to the rose bushes with his hand. "They all knew." Joe and Phoenix stand up too.

I look puzzled. "Knew what?"

"That I was a big, gay sandwich, and that I liked you." He leans over and kisses me again and I come away breathless.

I think I'm gay. Chester and I both are.

Together.

As in, with each other.

I'm sure Brad will get over it one day. Poor guy.

***

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**Buffy Quote**

"There's always the chance that he could be a cold-blooded, murderous -- oh, um, jelly donut?"